Playing the Hero
by OneWingedSeer
Summary: It's all locked inside, for no one to see. After all, if they all knew what he was going through, he couldn't play the hero anymore. An AU Matt fanfic placed before sixth grade. Extended by demand. Now a 2 shot.
1. Chapter 1

_Playing the hero…_ I thought bitterly to myself clutching the taught muscles of my upper arms with fevered hands.

That was all it seemed I was good for. And admittedly I was good at it. Possibly too good.

I knew others depended on me. How could I not? And I supposed it was my own fault in some strange way.

I smiled, though my heart felt cold, as I remembered how I had tried so hard to be the hero for my little brother. Even since the time he was an infant, I had tried to be there for him and protect him from every danger. That was what a good big brother should do, right? Now, looking back, it seems as though that is where this started.

Next, I played the dutiful son. Perhaps not in the obedient, servile way that initially comes to mind, but in the fact that I tried so hard to keep my parents together. I tried to save them, to save our family and... Well, that was my first failure and I never wanted to fail at anything again.

Heh. It was probably a quality needed for me to play the hero in the future…that sense that I could never give up, could never back down until those I swore to protect were safe. Already, I was forming the habits that make this regret within myself so real.

Our time in the digital world was probably a good thing over all, even for me. I got that chance I always wanted to make up for things and protect my little brother. And through Gabumon, I could do that now. The whole group became a part of my "pack," a part of the growing list of those I would protect with my life.

It started. I began to give up my life, my feelings, my weaknesses for others. At first, there was no bitterness; it was just part of the way to reach my goal of saving everyone.

But then, things were suddenly turned around. It was cruel how much I had sacrificed for a cause that didn't even need to happen. At least, that is how I saw it when TK told me and showed me that he did not need me anymore. It was like a slap in the face. Everything I had worked so hard for was a lie. And what did that make me?

I turned against all I knew. The first sign of this bitterness inside me, but unfortunately, not the last. I let out many of those feelings I had hid for so long in order to be strong and wise. For a while I became the other part of myself. The part I try so hard to hide.

But even then, I was convinced that that way was wrong. I was slowly forced back into my heroic mold. I went back to the way things had been and for a time I helped everyone out from the sidelines. Even as I was in enough pain to break, I couldn't help myself. It was as though I was compelled to give my all, even if it meant nothing was left for myself.

They needed me, so I was there. It was that simple.

So then, why is there this pain still locked inside? Why is it, I still feel as though every once in a while _I_ should be allowed to break down, to cry? If this is the right path, how is it that no one is there to help me with my pain? Must I always smile as I make everyone around me a better person?

My eyes look up at the stars and I feel as if my eyes reflect the light instead of absorbing it. It seems there comes a point when heroes feel that they do not even _deserve_ to have light. And I had reached that point.

It was my duty to give light. If I stopped doing that, I might become evil again, so I had to do it.

The door to my apartment's porch opened up and I tried to make it look as though I simply was looking at the stars, thoroughly enjoying the cool autumn air from where I sat, leaning against the rungs.

"Hey Matt?" TK's voice whispered hesitantly from the doorway.

I did not turn to look, not just yet. Time was needed to compose my face into what he needed instead of what I felt. "Yeah, TK?"

My brother came outside after carefully sliding the door shut and settled himself beside me, small stocking feet sticking straight out over the edge.

I put on a smile and glanced over into my little brother's blue eyes, trying for a cheery tone as I asked, "So, what's up?"

TK leaned back and looked up at the stars. The wind ruffled the wild blonde hairs that stuck out from under his green hat. "Tonight's my last night visiting you and Dad for a while," he said.

I nodded. I knew that very well. Mom had only let TK spend three days over here and that was only because she had such a hard time saying no to TK's innocent wishes.

My brother flexed his toes and said, "I was wondering…" his voice died off.

I sighed, listening to the wind through the city and finally asked kindly, "What do you need, TK?" Even as I did so, I winced. It was an ingrained reflex now. What _I_ needed was some alone time, some time to sort out my own feelings before I exploded. But that did not matter. If I could ignore my needs than so could everyone else.

TK looked down at his white socks, speaking to them as he asked, "Could you play the harmonica for me, Matt? I really want to hear you one more time before I have to go home."

It hurt. I did not want to play. I did not want to touch that inner part of myself for him. I did not want to have to increase my own suffering for another person. But even as I thought these things, my hand reached into my jeans pocket and pulled out my harmonica of its own accord.

Inwardly I screamed as I played. It felt wrong for things to be this way. But what could I do? I couldn't stop myself. It felt like one of those movies in which the hand is possessed to strangle its owner… You can't stop it, even as you know that you are killing yourself…

TK felt better after the first few minutes. I was in so much pain, I don't even remember him going back inside.

He was healed. That was good. I was able to be his hero once again.

Wrapping myself in a cloak of happiness and wisdom, I went inside.

It was time to listen to my father. I knew he needed it.

And until I could find out how to break this cycle, I would continue to play the hero.

_Even if it kills me…_


	2. Chapter 2

He apologized for keeping me up so late talking. That wasn't the problem at all, so I waved it off, saying, "Hey, Don't worry about it, Dad. I can take it."

And it was perfectly true. I could take it all right. I could take every single thing that was thrown at me. That was my problem. I was simply too strong.

My dad didn't seem convinced, but decided to let it drop and got up off of the couch where we had been conversing. With a grimace at the clock, Dad said, "I guess I better go wake T.K. up. It's about time we have breakfast and take him back to your mother."

I nodded, getting up and offering to cook breakfast. I entered the kitchen and began pulling out various items from the fridge and cabinets, deciding to make a fancier meal for my little brother.

That, ironically was another one of my problems. I was strong enough to take everything, but I was also very talented at almost everything I tried to do. I didn't mind the talents…they just stuck me further into the role of everybody's counselor and guide. And _that_ was the part I minded.

Dad and T.K. returned downstairs, my brother's clear laughter ringing out as they entered the kitchen. I continued cooking, plastering a neutral smile to my face to avoid attention.

There was a war going on inside. A war between that which was selfish and that which I viewed as the right thing to do. T.K. would want me to come with him to drop him off. I couldn't blame him. It wasn't as though we got much time together anymore.

_You don't really care anymore, though, do you?_ A little voice began in my head. It was my own logic, thrown back at me and somehow, this time, I felt that it was right.

Setting down the cooking spoon I was holding, I tried to control my breathing and through that my feelings. Something inside me felt as though it would explode. And I knew that I couldn't let that happen.

"Matt, is something wrong?" My brother T.K. asked from the kitchen table.

I couldn't lie. I was trapped. My fists tightened where they rested on the tabletop, my fingertips red with the pressure.

My dad jumped in and said, "Are you feeling all right?"

I felt I had to answer and this one I could answer honestly. "No." I turned around and let some of my tiredness show for effect as I asked, "Do you mind if I just stay home this time?"

T.K.'s face dropped as I knew it would, but Dad nodded, probably thinking that I was tired from last night.

I slowly walked out of the kitchen, only stopping to pat T.K.'s hat and mutter, "See you around, T.K."

It was the coldest I'd ever been to him. And after all of his pleading with Mom so he could be here… But I couldn't bring myself to care. Not anymore.

I hid in my room until they left, listening as T.K.'s voice asked Dad something. Probably about me. Dad either didn't answer or shut the door before I could hear the response.

After a moment, I got up from where I sat on the edge of my bed, my feet carrying me somewhere else. I didn't really care where. Before I knew it, my feet had carried me down the stairs, step by step. Until finally at the bottom, I sat down and pressed the palms of my hands into my eye sockets.

_What's wrong with me?_ The question kept surfacing in my mind.

It felt as if I was some sort of an empty shell. A tool. Nothing more. _What's wrong with me?_

"Matt…?"

I looked up, recognizing the voice, but barely able to believe it. I tried for a smile, but I'm not entirely sure if I managed it.

"Hey, Sora. What're you doing over here?" My voice sounded odd to my ears. And well it should.

This was the last thing I needed. Even Tai would have been better. _Anyone but Sora,_ I pleaded silently. But still she stood there, hands in her back pockets staring at me.

"Actually, I was looking for you," she said, blushing a little bit. My eyes widened slightly and she continued, "Well, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind listening. I need to talk to someone and I couldn't think of anyone else." She hesitated, eyes downcast. "If you're busy, though, I can leave."

There was no real choice. I always was one to play the hero. Before I knew it, I was listening as Sora told me about all her troubles. Being wise for her, being strong for her and knowing as I did so, my alone time was slipping away.

It hurt so much to secretly watch her every move as she spoke and know that the feelings I had had to be wrong. I liked Sora, but it always seemed that it would be her and Tai. Nothing, no matter how bad I felt, would cause me to hurt my best friends enough to suggest…

I nodded to what Sora said replying, "Look, Sora. Sometimes Tai can be a jerk and the best thing is, he often doesn't know it. But that's the thing. He's such a good guy at heart, that he would never mean to hurt your feelings. You might want to give him another chance."

Something within my heart cringed at the words that came out of my mouth. If only I weren't so self sacrificing, then maybe…

"Thanks, Matt," Sora said, her voice sounding so much lighter now. She stood back up and walked to the street facing doorway. She paused there, hesitating with her goodbye.

I watched her, knowing that I only had to pretend for a few more minutes. Pretend that I _wanted_ it to be her and Tai. Pretend that I didn't really wish that...

"I never know how you do it. But you always make me feel as though everything will be all right after all," Sora whispered to her feet. She looked back up at me with those sparkling brown eyes and said, "Thanks for listening."

I stood up, trying not to be captivated by her gaze and muttered, "No problem."

She flashed a smile at me and I felt emotions stir within their cages.

"See you at school, Matt."

I swallowed my emotions down, controlling my voice. "Yeah. See you, Sora."

She walked out onto the sidewalk and I heard her speak one more time. "Good morning, Mr. Ishida!"

My stomach plummeted with disappointment. My "alone" time was spent. And I had given it all away.

Dad came around the corner, halting when he saw me standing on the bottom step. His face turned into a knowing smile and he said, "Feeling any better?"

I was about to snap. If only what he suggested were true, part of me wished. While the other part of me screamed that it all wasn't right. Sora belonged with Tai and that was that.

I managed to shrug and start walking up the stairs, asking, "So, Dad. How'd it go?"

And once again, I couldn't help it. Though, a part of me screamed for release, I would keep that part bottled inside.

Everyone needed me as their hero, so that's what I'd be.

Never telling what was going on inside. Never showing the pain.

Simply being wise and strong…

_If only they knew…_


End file.
